I know I’m the gamification coach, and even with me, it’s not all fun and games. Let’s talk about healing from past work experiences.
I’d be lying if I said this post wasn’t about me. This post is all about me. And I’m hoping that it resonates with some of you as well. So buckle up because it’s about to get really real and I’m about to get heckin vulnerable, and heckin visible on the word wide web. That being said, I'm not a doctor or a therapist. Please don't read a blog post instead of getting medical attention or talking to a mental health professional. I'm just one person sharing a story.
I am in the healing process. I am grieving a loss that was a significant part of my life. When I was a teen/young adult, I didn’t dream about getting married, having a family, or buying a house. I dreamed about my career. I wanted to have the coolest job that I loved going to every day. I did some research, some networking, and found the job was for me. I went to grad school, networked some more, got an internship… and the job went to someone else. I was gutted and heartbroken.
There was also the time that I was in completely the wrong job for my skill set. In this case, the interviewer looked at my resume, disregarded my education, and put me on a team where I simply didn’t belong. I relied on coworkers to teach me the job, which led to me messing up all the time, and management was displeased. I struggled with this position, leaving me feeling like I was a failure with nowhere to go.
Or maybe you were in a hostile work environment. I once took a job that the current team described as “concussive” during the interview process. It was grueling. My mental health was at an all-time low, and nothing I did was enough. I got a real concussion, had an anxiety attack in my cube, my Dad had to drive me home, and my friend helped me write a resignation letter to hand in the next day. I had physical, emotional, and professional injuries, and it took me a while to heal.
“But Sarah, I came here for advice.”
I’m getting there.
My point is that your career can be deeply wounded in many different ways. Work is a significant part of our lives, consuming at least a third of our day if we work a traditional, full-time job. Statistically speaking, bad things are bound to happen at work, and it will hurt if we have any stake in the outcome. Therefore, learning to heal from past professional experiences is a necessary skill. Here’s how to do it.
It’s not you, it’s them.
I write as a woman of color, so take what relates best to you. I internalized everything from work, thinking I could succeed if I tried harder. This is why I got two master’s degrees. Because I had to work harder to break out of my background. The day I realized that it wasn’t a me problem, it was a them problem… that was a good and rather disturbing day. Good because a life-long weight lifted from my shoulders. Disturbing because I realized I was next to powerless. That is, I was powerless to change the system. I did have the power to change my place within the system.
Getting out is the first step. When you decide it’s time, commit. Draw up an exit plan, gather some “f*** you” money, and get out. You’ve already been injured. You can walk away from this unfair fight. Maybe not right away, but trust me, it’s much harder to heal if you’re still in a harmful environment. There are a million reasons to stay. And you’ll know when those reasons don’t matter anymore.
Call on your community.
Remember when I said my dad picked me up, and my friend helped me write my resignation letter? I was a husk of a human and could barely think straight after the anxiety attack. I wasn’t safe to drive and physically needed someone to walk me out of the office. My dad came to get me when I needed help. I’d also never written a resignation letter before, and I couldn’t write anything comprehensible. My friend had been with me through it all, and he knew exactly what to write. I couldn’t leave on my own. I needed help. I needed my community.
Likely, some people in your community have seen you struggling this entire time and want to support you as you heal. You can ask them what they’ve noticed (like if your behavior has changed) or if they can help (even if it’s just by listening). If you truly don’t have anyone to call on, you can hire a coach or therapist to help you out. You don’t have to heal on your own. You can share that load.
Recognize that you’re no longer in danger.
Yeah, I said danger. When faced with a threat, we use fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And maybe you’ve been cycling through all four to try and stay ahead of the threat, so look at your actions and reactions. Ask if this fight/flight/freeze/fawn mindset still serves you. You’re no longer in danger because they no longer have power over you the second you leave. For example, I realized I’d been censoring and silencing myself so that people would like me, even people who didn’t care about me. Taking on another persona at work made me exhausted, angry, and ultimately forgettable, which is not who I wanted to be.
It can be really hard to snap out of behaviors and mindsets that we use for survival in the workplace. This is where calling on your community, coach, and/or therapist can help. They can help you uncover the real you, not the person who tried to cram their square peg selves into a round hole job.
Turn up self-care by 110%.
Remember, you have been hurt. It’s ok to get the emotional equivalent of Neosporin and Band-Aids. It doesn’t have to be flashy or expensive, just kind and cozy. If you planned a huge vacation to celebrate your freedom, go ahead and do that, too! The point is to get in touch with yourself again, learn what you need right now, and heal. I can say, as someone who didn't get a lot of closure, it wasn’t great. I just whisked myself to the next adventure without giving myself time to adjust to the gaping hole that had been my career.
If your best friend was going through this, what would you do for them? Treat yourself like your best friend. For example, would you tell them that they’d, let’s say, overreacted or caved in? Then don’t you dare tell yourself that. This is a transition phase, and transitions require delicate handling, or things can break. Carry yourself carefully, love yourself unconditionally, and give yourself the space you need. Resting is critical, and that rest is so that you can get back up and try something else. I will say that it’s incredibly difficult, bordering impossible, to move on when you’re running on empty.
Look forward and ask big questions.
If you’ve been hurt in the workplace, removed yourself from danger, and cared for your injury, it’s time to see how well you have healed. For me, it was a huge step to be able to tell my story with humor rather than sadness. Whatever has happened, it’s in the past. It may still bubble up and surprise you, and handling those surprises will be much easier when something drives you forward. I gave myself a business to launch, which was incredibly exciting. You don’t have to do anything that dramatic. Just ask yourself these three questions in any order:
What will I do next?
When will I do it?
Who will I do it with?
Once you have answers, act on those answers. Create a plan, set a deadline, and tell the people who will hold you accountable. If you feel blocked, go back to self-care. Maybe take a break, go outside, and ask yourself:
What’s my pivot/passion project?
What’s getting in my way?
What can I do to overcome, circumnavigate, or dismiss this challenge?
It may help to journal down these answers to get organized or look at them later. Maybe you get a lovely, fancy, adorable journal just for wild hopes and dreams. It motivates me to know that this one, particular journal is all about my potential futures.
In conclusion
This was a heavy blog post for me. I promise in the next blog, I will be back to my usual self. This topic has been weighing on me, and thank you for allowing me to share it. At first, I was too hurt to share these stories. By sharing my story and strategy, I hope others will take a shorter or less turbulent path to healing. So let’s recap:
It’s not you, it’s them.
Call on your community.
Recognize that you’re no longer in danger.
Turn up self-care by 110%.
Look forward and ask big questions.
If you’d like to discuss workplace healing with me as your coach, book a free 15-minute call to see if we click.
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